A year ago tonight, I almost did something that would’ve ended my life. I was ready. I had the means to kill myself in my hand. The only thing I had left to do with push a plunger. But something stopped me. And it wasn’t me, I mean, it wasn’t my head, my hands. It was a singer, actor, and one of his products. Somehow, I had touched my iPad. And his movie started playing, or his song started playing. To be honest, I’m not sure which it was anymore. But I stopped what I was planning to do, and instead listened. And listening to him, watching him, all night long, kept me alive.
That next day, I had an appointment already planned with my Nurse provider. I kept the appointment, and at some point during the appointment, she asked me how I was doing. And first, I told her I was fine. I wasn’t fine. And I knew I wasn’t fine. And because we had worked together for several years, even she knew I wasn’t fine. So she asked me again. And I sat there, staring at my screen. And after several minutes of silence, I finally told her I’m not OK.
That was all it took to trigger my safety plan. She asked me how I was planning to do it and I told her honestly. We decided to ask my older sister to come pick up my means. And she did come and pick it up, but she wasn’t sure why. And that’s when I finally told her that it had been a really bad night, the night before.
My family knew I suffered from depression. They didn’t know until that day, exactly how bad it could be. And to be honest, I’m not sure that even now they understand how bad it can be. Because like almost every other person who suffers from depression, I do a really good acting job at keeping it inside, keeping it hidden. But this last year, I haven’t been able to hide it as well. I don’t want to hide it as well. Silence kills. It’s that simple.
In this past year, I’ve had a lot of ups and downs. I talk with a therapist twice a week. And I think I’m almost at the point where I only need it once a week. Am I back to where I was before a year ago? No I’m not. And I’m not sure I’m ever gonna get back to that point. But maybe the point I’m at right now is an OK place to be. I keep thinking about everything that I’ve got. And I realize, that my life is no better and no worse than anybody else’s. I have several men that I talk to, almost on a daily basis. They give me a lot of joy. They give me time. They give me honesty. They give me a reason to be glad to be alive.
The one thing I’ve learned in this last year is, you have to find your reason why. Why you’re staying alive. Why you’re fighting so hard to stay alive. And you have to grab onto that reason and hold it as firmly as you can. Even on your worst days, when the thoughts of suicide are so close, you could reach out and touch them. Grab onto what makes you want to stay alive. As difficult as it is, life matters. Do I still wanna commit suicide sometimes? Absolutely. Am I going to do something stupid to commit suicide? Absolutely not.
Life is worth it. You are worth it. Don’t let anybody or anything, even your own thoughts, convince you otherwise.
There’s a song by the group, Citizen Soldier called “Would Anyone Care.” Here are some of the lyrics that matter most to me.
Would anyone want me, if they knew what was inside my head?
Would anyone see me for the person that I really am.
I won’t lie so hard to hide I never felt worthy of love.
I would give up all I have just to feel good enough.
If you’re dying inside, sick of being alive,
Let me in, let me share in your pain.
From my lungs through the dark
Spoken straight from my heart
Let me give you a reason to stay
The world would be changed if you left it behind.
You can’t be replaced, no.
Tonight is the night you take back your life.
Written by Jake Segura and Juan Rivero
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